Why is it never simple ? Just when you think you're getting back on an even keel something knocks you back down.
I don't ask for much, well nothing really. I don't smoke or drink, my only vice is my crafting. So why do I always seem to loose out in this house. Why does my hubby feel the need to lie to me and then turn it round so it's my fault. WHY ? Maybe it's because I'm just a soft touch, or he doesn't have any respect for me, or, maybe he's just plain selfish. Who knows but I'l find out.
At the moment I feel like I'm gonna self distruct. I just want to shout at the top of my voice " Hello remember me, do I count for anything in this house or am I just a wage packet ?" That's how I feel.
I keep it all together for my child's sake and so people think everything's ok, even when it's not.
I can feel myself dropping into a pit of darkness and I'm clinging on because I don't want to fall into it again. But I'm tired and I want to cry. I can't because there's just me and my boy here and I have to be strong for him.
I'd better go 'cos I'm getting upset and he doesn't need to see that.
Love Me and Mo xxxx
Thursday, 23 September 2010
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
Feeling low ...
as I always do at this time of year. My Mum died 12 years ago this week and I miss her terribly. I feel lost and alone without her friendship and love.
She was a marvellous woman with a great big heart and a wonderful smile. Mum was popular and just a little bit bold. She wore bright clothes and big ear rings, a bit like Pat from Eastenders I guess. Not a small woman by any stretch of the imagination, but she had the personality to go with it. Sometimes I think she wore the bright clothes to hide her frame, but it didn't. I remember she had fabulous legs, like a dancer and boobs that all babies loved to snuggle in to LOL.
When we were little she used to bake every week and we'd lick the spoon and the bowl, and then wait impatiently by the oven for them to cook. It seemed like hours and hours before we got the chance to ice them and put the little jelly shapes on. Much like it is for my child now. His face eager with anticipation of those iced fairy cakes. I wish they had met, they would love each other so very much.
In lots of ways I feel cheated that I'd already lost Mum when I had him. No one to chat to about being pregnant and its side effects. Her not being there when I picked an outfit up in Asda or her ringing me to say she'd found the cutest suit she'd ever seen. Her holding my hand going into our 1st scan to see that tiny piece of perfection with his little heart beating so fast and the excitement as I clutched his 1st portrait in my hand. And her holding my hand so tight I thought it'd break as I went into labour.
To see Mum's face as she saw his big blue eyes starring back at her for the 1st time and all the special occassions in his life.
I know she was there for all of those things in spirit and I thank her. But it's just not the same.
I often go to the phone to give her a ring tell her about what's going on and how my boy's doing at school. And then I remember she's not there. Oh how I miss our chats over a coffee and our trips into town where we'd have lunch and a frothy coffee in Swiss Cottage. I won't mention the cherry pie with a mountain of fresh cream LOL. These were fab days and I wish I had someone I could do that with now, but I lost my 2 best friends a couple of years ago and that's a story for another time.
My only hope is that I can be a great Mum just like her.Love and miss you so much.
Love Me and Mo x
She was a marvellous woman with a great big heart and a wonderful smile. Mum was popular and just a little bit bold. She wore bright clothes and big ear rings, a bit like Pat from Eastenders I guess. Not a small woman by any stretch of the imagination, but she had the personality to go with it. Sometimes I think she wore the bright clothes to hide her frame, but it didn't. I remember she had fabulous legs, like a dancer and boobs that all babies loved to snuggle in to LOL.
When we were little she used to bake every week and we'd lick the spoon and the bowl, and then wait impatiently by the oven for them to cook. It seemed like hours and hours before we got the chance to ice them and put the little jelly shapes on. Much like it is for my child now. His face eager with anticipation of those iced fairy cakes. I wish they had met, they would love each other so very much.
In lots of ways I feel cheated that I'd already lost Mum when I had him. No one to chat to about being pregnant and its side effects. Her not being there when I picked an outfit up in Asda or her ringing me to say she'd found the cutest suit she'd ever seen. Her holding my hand going into our 1st scan to see that tiny piece of perfection with his little heart beating so fast and the excitement as I clutched his 1st portrait in my hand. And her holding my hand so tight I thought it'd break as I went into labour.
To see Mum's face as she saw his big blue eyes starring back at her for the 1st time and all the special occassions in his life.
I know she was there for all of those things in spirit and I thank her. But it's just not the same.
I often go to the phone to give her a ring tell her about what's going on and how my boy's doing at school. And then I remember she's not there. Oh how I miss our chats over a coffee and our trips into town where we'd have lunch and a frothy coffee in Swiss Cottage. I won't mention the cherry pie with a mountain of fresh cream LOL. These were fab days and I wish I had someone I could do that with now, but I lost my 2 best friends a couple of years ago and that's a story for another time.
My only hope is that I can be a great Mum just like her.Love and miss you so much.
Love Me and Mo x
Saturday, 11 September 2010
About me and Mo ...
Well we're 2 personalities in one very confused and depressed person. Not in a bad way just the way I've walked life's path.
This is my diary, my way of dealing with how I feel, my letting go and hopefully my healing. Parts are going to be dark and parts are going to be funny. By the end, If there is one I hope I have found peace for Me and Mo.
Let me take you back to the beginning, well where I think it began.
Looking back I think I've been depressed in some form since I was a teenager. It's hard to say exactly when it started but I guess it was around the time my Dad slapped me across the face, when I was about 14 or 15. I was gutted !
Over the years I've failed exams, had 2 broken marriages, done some silly things, lost beloved family members and very dear friends, been through the usual and the not so usual trials and tribulations of life. Until I've finally reached a point where I need to let go and de glutter, start afresh.
I have some great friends who would and have listened to me, but I have 1 friend who I don't need to say anything to, to get the message across. We have a mutual understanding. Why ? Because they are in a similar place and I thank that friend for their support.
Love Me and Mo
This is my diary, my way of dealing with how I feel, my letting go and hopefully my healing. Parts are going to be dark and parts are going to be funny. By the end, If there is one I hope I have found peace for Me and Mo.
Let me take you back to the beginning, well where I think it began.
Looking back I think I've been depressed in some form since I was a teenager. It's hard to say exactly when it started but I guess it was around the time my Dad slapped me across the face, when I was about 14 or 15. I was gutted !
Over the years I've failed exams, had 2 broken marriages, done some silly things, lost beloved family members and very dear friends, been through the usual and the not so usual trials and tribulations of life. Until I've finally reached a point where I need to let go and de glutter, start afresh.
I have some great friends who would and have listened to me, but I have 1 friend who I don't need to say anything to, to get the message across. We have a mutual understanding. Why ? Because they are in a similar place and I thank that friend for their support.
Love Me and Mo
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