Feeling low ...

as I always do at this time of year. My Mum died 12 years ago this week and I miss her terribly. I feel lost and alone without her friendship and love.

She was a marvellous woman with a great big heart and a wonderful smile. Mum was popular and just a little bit bold. She wore bright clothes and big ear rings, a bit like Pat from Eastenders I guess. Not a small woman by any stretch of the imagination, but she had the personality to go with it. Sometimes I think she wore the bright clothes to hide her frame, but it didn't. I remember she had fabulous legs, like a dancer and boobs that all babies loved to snuggle in to LOL.

When we were little she used to bake every week and we'd lick the spoon and the bowl, and then wait impatiently by the oven for them to cook. It seemed like hours and hours before we got the chance to ice them and put the little jelly shapes on. Much like it is for my child now. His face eager with anticipation of those iced fairy cakes. I wish they had met, they would love each other so very much.

In lots of ways I feel cheated that I'd already lost Mum when I had him. No one to chat to about being pregnant and its side effects. Her not being there when I picked an outfit up in Asda or her ringing me to say she'd found the cutest suit she'd ever seen. Her holding my hand going into our 1st scan to see that tiny piece of perfection with his little heart beating so fast and the excitement as I clutched his 1st portrait in my hand. And her holding my hand so tight I thought it'd break as I went into labour.
To see Mum's face as she saw his big blue eyes starring back at her for the 1st time and all the special occassions in his life.
I know she was there for all of those things in spirit and I thank her. But it's just not the same.

I often go to the phone to give her a ring tell her about what's going on and how my boy's doing at school. And then I remember she's not there. Oh how I miss our chats over a coffee and our trips into town where we'd have lunch and a frothy coffee in Swiss Cottage. I won't mention the cherry pie with a mountain of fresh cream LOL. These were fab days and I wish I had someone I could do that with now, but I lost my 2 best friends a couple of years ago and that's a story for another time.

My only hope is that I can be a great Mum just like her.Love and miss you so much.

Love Me and Mo x